5 Stars

watermelonkegI told this watermelon that he could be anything he wanted when he grew up so he became a keg. How is that for some daily inspiration? Most watermelons rot away on grocery store shelves, but this one had the courage to dispense sangria and intoxicate the very same people who bought him. If that’s not the American dream then I don’t want to know what is.

Always follow your dreams. Unless your dream is to eat one of every animal on the planet. Do not follow that dream. Throw it in a dark basement, lock the door, and never think of it again. That sounds like some sick version of Noah’s Ark where there’s no boat and Noah is a carnivorous psychopath. It’s not even a realistic ambition. Some deep sea creatures lurk up to 10,000 feet below the Earth’s surface. Good luck catching the elusive Vampire Squid for dinner, dumbass. But if you aspire to achieve a saner goal, such as learning to drive stick shift or becoming Postmaster General, then by all means follow your dreams.

Growing up I always wanted to be an astronaut. My father told me that I couldn’t be an astronaut if I didn’t join the military. I think that was a lie. I got older, still wanted to be an astronaut, and my father informed me that I am now too tall to be an astronaut. I did some thorough research and discovered that was also a lie. NASA requires you to be 75 inches or shorter to pilot one of their space trolleys. I’m within spaceman range by a solid inch. My father may be a pathological liar. I wasted my entire educational career not learning how to land on the moon. Now I don’t know what to do with my life. Maybe I’ll become a keg too.

Watermelon Keg
Tagged on:     

One thought on “Watermelon Keg

Leave a Reply

Subscribe to see more vegan food reviews!