Everyone is entitled to basic human rights. The main three that any idiot can remember are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. This means that you are owed these things in life, whether you’re rich, poor, male, female, or even Chinese.
But there is a fourth basic human right that is less widely known. This, of course, is the right to limitless hummus. When Benjamin fucking Franklin wrote the Constitution, it was originally written that everyone has the right to life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, and a daily bucket of hummus.
That’s right, the founding fathers wanted every American to eat a bucket of hummus. Every single day. The line was altered by Alexander Hamilton to have the hummus part removed at the last minute because Hamilton was an undercover Nazi who sought the destruction of America. You would know that already if you ever read a book.
When you think about it, none of the other rights even make sense without hummus. You cannot live life without hummus. The people of Pompeii tried to live without hummus centuries ago and then Mount Vesuvius erupted and killed them all. Liberty doesn’t exist without hummus either, because then you become a slave to your unfulfilled desire to eat hummus. The pursuit of happiness might as well be called the pursuit of hummus, because happiness and hummus are synonymous. They even both start with an h.
So the next time someone criticizes you for “shoplifting” hummus, educate them with this article. Then kindly tell them to shut their stupid mouth, because free speech is a right too. Not as important as the right to eat hummus, but it’s still up there.