5 Stars

The horned melon is an exotic fruit rich in vitamin C that you pick up at the grocery store and say “Wow, that’s amazing” without any intention to actually buy it.

Little do people know, the horned melon is actually the most powerful fruit in existence. All throughout history there have been fables of miracles pulled off by the all-mighty horned melon.

Here are some of the most miraculous miracles we must thank the horned melon for:

1. Did you know that Stevie Wonder used to be deaf too? At the age of nine he ate a horned melon and instantly regained his hearing. Most doctors believe Stevie Wonder would have perfect vision if only he ate a second horned melon, but sadly the musician has failed to see another one of the fruits.

2. Have any of your friends died from toenail cancer recently? No? None? You can thank the horned melon for that. The horned melon is the cure for toenail cancer.

3. Santa Clause’s Reindeer can only fly because he keeps them on an all horned melon diet. He tried feeding them corn once and they lost their ability to fly. Santa was only able to deliver presents within a two mile radius of the North Pole. There are little to no houses in that area. It was a very depressing Christmas.

4. The horned melon single-handedly ended World War II. Popular to contrary to belief, the United States never figured out how to make the atomic bomb. As a final act of desperation, they dropped two horned melons on Japan. The rest is history.

5. Apples were not always edible. Back in the day they were nothing more than big dumb red rocks. Then Isaac Newton rubbed a horned melon against an apple and magically the apple transformed into the doctor-repelling fruit we all know and love today.

The Mysterious Powers Of The Horned Melon
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