5 Stars

Whenever I take the first spoonful out of a new jar of peanut butter I imagine it must be exactly how Neil Armstrong felt when he took his first step on the moon.

The moon landing was a big accomplishment. Some people think it was fake. Those people are probably not very fun to be around.

Have you ever accomplished anything as important as taking humanity’s first steps on the moon? I doubt it. You’re not Neil Armstrong. You’re nobody. Here are my biggest accomplishments in life.

1. I never received the Polio vaccine but I still have not ever tested positive for Polio. I am a medical marvel.

2. I do not know what Kevin Bacon looks like. I know that he is an actor and I am sure I have seen him in some movies. But if Kevin Bacon was standing in a line of ten Kevins and I had to identify the true Kevin Bacon in order to win the grand prize of 50 dollars then I might accidentally choose the wrong Kevin and miss out on the big bucks.

3. I created the world’s largest vegan pizza, even though I have no culinary background. I don’t even have an Italian background.

4. I correctly predicted Hilary Clinton would not win the 2016 presidential election. I only predicted this because I thought it was against the law for women to become president, which I have been repeatedly told is false, but my prediction stands.

5. I never shook Adolf Hitler’s hand. I have too much pride to stoop to that level.

Are you feeling motivated now? These great accomplishments were supposed to motivate you. So get out there, take the first spoonful of peanut butter, and avoid some Polio. The world is your oyster. Also, don’t eat oysters.

The First Spoonful Of Peanut Butter
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