I’ve gone on an all-spinach pie diet because I thought it would make me as strong as Popeye but I think it’s just turning me into Fat Albert instead.
Many people assume all vegans must be the healthiest humans to ever walk the earth. Little do they know, vegans can range from skinny to morbidly pudgy. Some expert nutritionists theorize that what you eat might somehow be related to your weight, and unfortunately lots of people are flocking to trendy vegan diets that are less healthy than they may seem.
Here are some hip new vegan diets you may be tempted to try, but I would have to advise against them.
1. The “If it’s in the ground, eat it” diet. You may benefit from some nutritious turnips, but the amount of poisonous mushrooms and dirt you will eat means that the pros do not outweigh the cons.
2. The “eat 36 pounds of potatoes every day” diet. Potatoes are technically a vegetable, but surprisingly this diet will cause you to pack on more pounds than you’d expect.
3. The “eat 37 pounds of broccoli every day” diet. This is a weird diet, because broccoli is almost certainly healthier than potatoes, but this diet somehow makes people gain one more pound per day than the potato diet does.
4. The “only eat food that is literally on fire” diet. This new trend might help you practice self-control when it comes to your eating habits, but chances are you will either starve or accidentally light your house and probably yourself on fire.
5. The “bury your food to survive the harsh winter” diet. Come on, there is no way you will remember where you stored all those vegetables come winter. Even squirrels forget where 80% of the nuts they bury are, and you sure as hell are no squirrel! You’re barely even a hamster.