5 Stars

smoothieThe nice thing about smoothies is that if you add enough berries you can make anything taste amazing. Once I had a smoothie that was literally just berries and mud and I raved about it for weeks. I’m not lying. I lie often, but this is not one of those times. The majority of those ingredients were found in my back yard. I even threw a stick in there just because I could. Ingredients are free if you can scavenge them from your own property. My neighbors called me a freak but those morons spend like eight dollars to get a smoothie from Panera so who’s the real loser here? It’s the Yoder family. That’s who.

One other thing we don’t appreciate enough about smoothies: the blender. A blender is a tiny whirlwind that you somehow control in your kitchen. Every time you make a smoothie you are harnessing the power of a goddamn tornado. This is an absolute miracle and I would like for somebody to acknowledge it. People spend too much time bragging about their coffee maker, when all that does is filter some hot bean water through a big dumb plastic box. My blender could rip a coffee maker to shreds. I could then use those shreds to make a delicious smoothie.

Some days I want to eat nothing but smoothies. Chewing is hard work and I am a very lazy man. The only thing holding me back is that I won’t take the time to figure out how to survive on an all smoothie diet. That could take valuable minutes. Maybe one day I’ll get lucky and break my jaw so the doctors have to wire it shut. That could jumpstart my new liquids-based lifestyle, and I would be the mayor of Smoothietown in no time. A man can dream.

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