Don’t worry folks, this Sea Monster Punch isn’t filled with fish eggs like I originally feared. They’re actually tapioca bubbles. It’s funny how sometimes you get your waiter fired over what turns out to be a total misunderstanding.
As a vegan food critic I have gotten many people fired. It comes with the job. Some of these firings have been less than intentional, but it is a small price to pay for vegan justice.
Whenever I walk into a grocery store I immediately call the health inspector and report that there are dead animals everywhere. It’s not illegal if it’s not a lie. That claim holds up better in my head than it does in court.
There is one profession that I fire purposefully though, and I get an immense amount of joy from doing so.
On Mondays I hire the exterminator. When he arrives at my house I smirk as I see his look of confusion set in. There are no bugs. He slowly realizes that there is no emergency as I frantically stated on the phone, and that my home has not been overrun by giant caterpillars.
Dread begins to appear on his face as I say the long awaited words. “You’re fired”. No creepy crawlers will be harmed today. Not on my watch. Vegan justice is swift and merciless friends. I advise you not to stand in its path.