5 Stars

Buddha reached Nirvana while sitting under a sacred fig tree. I ate this fig while listening to Nirvana so we’re basically on the same level.

Most people don’t know this fun fact, but nearly every single religion revolves around the fig.

Everyone knows that Jesus turned water into wine, but did you know that he also turned fish into figs? If you are an avid art historian such as myself you will notice that no paintings of Jesus ever depict the man in the presence of fish. This is because Jesus didn’t hesitate to turn every single trout, carp, and even salmon he saw into a delectable fig. If turning an animal into a vegan fruit isn’t a miracle then I don’t know what is.

Hinduism believes that when you die you turn into another thing that is different than the thing you used to be. This is called reincarnation. The best of the best are reincarnated into figs. The less than best people are reincarnated into caterpillars and mailboxes.

I don’t know much about Jewism but I’m sure the Jews like figs too.

Scientology probably believes that the fig is an ancient alien that you communicate with every night when you fall asleep. The dream fig commands you to give more money to the church. In return you receive absolutely nothing. Scientology is a wacky religion.

Atheists might not believe in God but they sure as heck believe in figs.

In an ideal world, we would all just join together under one religion and worship the sacred Fig. Figianity. Figism. Figology. One of those probably.

Sacred Fig
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