5 Stars

Do not use your hands to eat an orange. Use a toothpick. This is what separates us from the apes.

Eating an orange like a primitive savage is the easiest way to lose the respect of your friends and colleagues. I once knew a man who was the vice president of a well-known pharmaceutical company. One day he ate an orange on his lunch break, hands and all. He returned to work on Monday only to find out he’d been demoted to assistant janitor.

Don’t make the same mistake the stupid VP made. Here are some tips on how to eat an orange with dignity and class.

1. Eye contact is everything when it comes to eating oranges. Lock eyes with all who enter your field of vision. Look at your wife. Glare at your neighbor through their window. Stare down a chipmunk.

2. Only use your right hand to handle that toothpick. No southpaws allowed in orange town. The left hand is the devil’s hand, and orange eating is not meant to be an ungodly experience.

3. Never share. Not only does sharing make you look weak in the eyes of your enemies, but communal toothpick use is a sure-fire way to contract herpes. The orange belongs to you and you alone. Take pride in this fact.

4. Color coordination is key. Be sure to wear an orange shirt to match the orange you are about to devour.

5. After you have eaten every wedge of that orange, slowly bow your head down until your nose touches the peel. The orange is inside you now. Be the orange. Acknowledge its presence in you as well as in the universe. Namaste.

Congratulations on learning how to eat an orange like a true gentleman/gentlelady! Come back next week to learn how to eat a watermelon with chopsticks.

Proper Orange Eating Etiquette
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