Look at the picture to your left. Unless you are using the phone. Then congratulate yourself for having such a groovy smartphone and look at the picture right above these words. What do you see? Clams? No, those are pistachios. Someone who does not possess perfect vision or is a little dumb may mistake these pistachios for clams though. Why? Because Pistachios are just vegan clams.
We have discussed clams in previous articles. The general consensus is that clams are weak little cripples. Cripples are notoriously easy to kidnap, so clams are being hunted at a highly unsustainable rate. But a lack of arms and legs is not the only threat clams face. Sadly, their home, also known as the ocean, is in great danger. The oceans are dying because we like to put garbage everywhere except in garbage bins. Dead oceans = dead clams.
So how do we solve this problem? With pistachios, I suspect. Here is my elaborate plan to save the clams that is unquestionably foolproof.
Step 1: Grow more pistachios. We’re gonna need a lot of these little buggers. Billions. Cut down forests, tear down buildings, and do anything else possible to make more room for pistachio fields.
Step 2: Throw all the pistachios in the ocean. All of them.
Step 3: Watch the clam problem become fixed. Not fixed like a corrupt high school basketball game where I bribed the refs to ensure the home team wins, but fixed as in not broken anymore. Good luck finding clams to steal from the ocean when 999 out of 1000 that you pick up end up being saltwater drenched pistachios.
Step 4: Watch the whole ocean get saved basically. Worried about the Japanese hunting squids, dolphins and whales? Not a problem anymore. Those brave sea mammals will choke on pistachios and be dead long before a boat comes anywhere near them. Tired of snorkelers permanently damaging coral reefs? Well the sea tourism market will crash and burn because all anyone can see through their goggles are trillions of stupid pistachios.
Step 5: Celebrate. We did it people, the oceans are safe. All nine of them. Take a break and get yourself a snack because saving big bodies of water is hard work. Just don’t eat any pistachios because they are all in the ocean and probably inedible at this point.