5 Stars

Potato PileCherish each and every one of your potatoes as if you were a poor starving farmer during the Irish Potato Famine. I have killed to protect my potatoes in the past, and I am prepared to do so again. Much like Trump’s recent victory, famine will emerge unexpectedly and prey upon the weak.

What are you doing to protect your potatoes? I bury mine in the summer and often forget where they are by the winter. I highly respect squirrels but am starting to consider learning survival skills from a different animal. Perhaps armadillos. So safe within that scaly armored sphere. But I digress. Here’s some other ways to protect your priceless potatoes in case you’re lacking in the ol’ imagination department and need some assistance.

1. Fill your freezer with potatoes. This is an easy one. Frozen potatoes will last longer and still have the same lovable potato taste after they thaw. Remember that every square inch not containing a potato is just wasted space. If you can open your door without at least one of those starchy bad boys falling out then you are doing it wrong.

2. Eat every potato on sight. Not only will this satisfy your ravenous hunger, but potatoes become impervious to famine once they are already residing within your belly.

3. Buy a gun. Potato thieves fear guns, as they are just as vulnerable to bullets as ordinary citizens.

Look at that plate of potatoes. Do you think that is far too many potatoes for one man? Some people get worried that they eat too much food. Gluttony is a sin after all. Not one of those real bad sins like murder or loitering, but still a sin. Other people eat 70 hot dogs in ten minutes with zero regard for the well-being of their internal organs. While I don’t advocate eating hot dogs or being a freak of nature, this cavalier nature towards eating is still commendable.

I firmly believe that there is no such thing as too many potatoes. Whenever you feel guilty about eating a lot of food, such as an entire jar of preserved lemons, just remember that the blue whale can eat 40 million krill in a day but everyone still loves them. Be like the whale. Screw Seaworld.

Pile of Potatoes
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