5 Stars

pepperfamilyDisrupting a pepper family is much less tragic than tearing apart an animal family. Cows probably feel pretty darn sad when their babies get taken away. It doesn’t work the same way with peppers though. You can gorge upon that orange baby right in front of big red papa pepper right there and he won’t even shed a tear. I straight up massacred this entire pepper family without any remorse. And hey, that’s not a bad thing. They’re just peppers after all.

It is crazy how much personality inanimate objects can have though. Look at that growth spurt the yellow son took. In pepper height he’s at least two inches taller than his loving green mother now. She’s green with pride, not envy. You can tell young Yellow is going through his awkward teens and the next few years are not going to be easy for the poor kid.

Little orange appears to be doing well despite his severe mental retardation. Keep on trucking champ. Green has always been a nurturing mother and loves both her children equally despite their differences. She is the bell shaped glue that holds this family together.

Something seems a bit off with big Red though, doesn’t it? He’s hiding in the back with a distant look in his eyes. Let’s be honest here, this isn’t the life that Red envisioned for himself back in the 80’s. Stuck at a dead end job, the days seem endless. The romantic spark he once felt for Green has slowly fizzled over the decades, and he falls asleep wondering if he even wants to wake up in the morning. Red resents himself for even thinking of leaving Green to raise the kids alone, but divorce may be inevitable at this point.

Dear God, I’ve killed them all. These peppers are more alive than most humans and I’ve killed the entire family. What have I done? I’m a monster. Here’s to hoping these garlic knots weren’t related too.

Pepper Family
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