5 Stars

Onions are notorious tear producers. Most people believe this happens because onions release a chemical irritant called syn-propanethial-S-oxide that stimulates the eyes’ lachrymal glands so they release tears, but this is a common misconception. People cry when they cut onions because they are cowardly and weak.

You know that boys don’t cry. You know that there is no crying in baseball. Now you also know that cutting an onion is not an acceptable reason to cry. In fact, there are only six times when it is permissible to cry. Here they are.

1. You brag to your friend Carl that you got a date with the prettiest girl in town but Carl does not believe you.

2. You watch the episode of Futurama where Fry’s dog Seymour never stops waiting for him to come home.

3. You go apple picking but all the Honeycrisp are gone and the trees offer nothing but weathered Gala. Looks like the only thing you’re picking this year is a heft dose of disappointment.

4. You are illiterate. Are the Harry Potter books truly better than the movies? You will never know.

5. You remember that time you bragged to your friend Carl that you got a date with the prettiest girl in town but Carl did not believe you.

6. The Supreme Leader of North Korea has passed away. Let us mourn until our tears turn the streets to rivers so his holy soul can transform into a majestic salmon and swim among us once more.

These are the only times your cheeks should feel the salty sorrow of your tears. Remember, if you cry when you cut an onion then the onion wins. It recognizes your weakness and will develop a bitter taste to punish you. Onions are spiteful creatures.

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