5 Stars

grilledcornWe grow hundreds of millions of tons of corn to feed to animals so the animals can get bigger so we can kill the animals and then feed those animals to people. Maybe one day a smart person will have the bright idea to just have people eat all the corn instead but smart people are hard to find so maybe not.

I have a ton of smart corn-based ideas on how to reduce both global hunger and animal cruelty, but the world tends to not listen to me. I think it’s because people perceive me to have a lack of authority. I should start wearing a badge. But maybe you’re an above average listener, so here are my bright ideas.

1. Grow corn on the ceiling instead of on the ground. Everyone knows that cows can’t jump. If the flat-footed cows are unable to reach the corn then it will surely become a food for humans only.

2. Paint corn red. Bullfighting has taught us that cows hate the color red. If corn is red then cows will charge at it, knocking the ears right off the stalk so that humans can easily pick them up off the ground.

3. Have the mailman also deliver an ear of corn to each house every day. Starvation occurs because of food distribution problems, not because of food availability problems. We have enough corn in the world to feed everyone, the issue is that too much of it just goes to waste. Since the mailman visits your home daily, they might as well drop an ear of corn in your mailbox while they’re at it. By my estimate, the extra corn would only add an additional 50 pounds or so to their mail bags.

If we follow these three easy steps then the result is that humans eat more corn, cows eat less corn, and humans eat less cows. That’s killing three birds with one stone. Also, please do not kill any birds with stones or eat birds that have been killed with stones. That is not vegan.

Grilled Corn
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