5 Stars

Have you survived another year? Castro didn’t. Most folk did though.

What is your New Year’s resolution going to be this year? Mine is to to stop mugging strangers. It’s a bad habit and I think it’s time to quit. If you haven’t made a New Years resolution yet then you are lazy and unambitious. 2017 is going to be a rough year for you unless you get your act together quick.

If you’re short on ideas, then why not make this year’s resolution focused on ginger? It’s got all the antioxidants and zest required to make these next 12 months the best you’ve ever had. Here’s some ginger-based resolutions that you can try out for yourself.

Resolution 1: Gnaw on a big piece of ginger, right in front of your enemies. If you were too timid in 2016 then this is the resolution for you. There’s no better way to assert your dominance than through the primal public display of chewing a raw piece of ginger.

Resolution 2: Legally change your name to Ginger. What’s your name? Is it Tabitha or Eugene? If you answered yes then you don’t have any friends, and your unlikable name is the reason why. Become Ginger and before you know it you’ll have enough friends to play the Bass Fishing Edition of Monopoly, just like you’ve dreamed of ever since you were a young Eugene.

Resolution 3: Watch the early 2000’s Nickelodeon series As Told by Ginger. There’s only 3 seasons so it’s not a big commitment and Macy Gray knocks the theme song right out of the park. I wouldn’t go bragging about this New Year’s resolution to all your friends though. It’s just kind of a weird thing to choose.

You could also just start going to the gym.

Ginger Root
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