Before this week I never would have believed that one single salad could be better than a multi-million dollar aviation corporation but now that I’ve reviewed all the facts, much like Smash Mouth covering The Monkees for the soundtrack of Shrek, I’m a believer.
1. This salad will never forcefully drag you off of an airplane. Look, it doesn’t even have dragging arms. This salad has never even set foot on a plane. It doesn’t have feet either. But if it did, the salad would sit there quietly and not disturb any passengers.
2. This salad will respect that you paid for it. When you order this salad at a restaurant, then it is rightfully yours to eat. The salad acknowledges that. The waiter will not come over to your table and take a few bites from your salad, claiming that restaurant employees deserve special treatment. Unlike United Airlines, the salad is not a complete dick.
3. This salad contains avocado. Is avocado the most universally loved fruit? Probably. It made fats cool again. United Airlines doesn’t know a damn thing about avocados. Instead of taking the noble route and offering each passenger a complimentary avocado, they may or may not give you a thumb sized bag containing a single expired peanut.
4. This salad is vegan. Everyone knows that United Airlines crafts its planes from the bones of orphans. Orphan numbers have dwindled in the past years. Most people hope this is due to increased adoption rates. False. It is only because United Airlines has been systematically kidnapping orphans and harvesting their bones to build propellers and jet engines.
5. This salad is capable of experiencing love. Look at those crisp red strip things on it. Pure genuine love obviously went into the making of this salad. And with every bite, this beautiful salad transfers a bit of that love from itself to you. United Airlines has never felt love. The company’s heart must closely resemble the Grinch’s before he saved Whoville. United Airlines’ countless delays have also ruined way more Christmases than the Grinch ever could.