This Thanksgiving I hope you spared a turkey, but it is 100% acceptable if you mashed the hell out of some potatoes. Potatoes deserve no mercy.
Torture is usually wrong, but that is because people, animals, and enemies of Jack Bauer can feel pain. Potatoes are dull and lifeless, so torturing those spuds is A-okay.
In fact, potato torture is a fine way to relieve stress and enhance your creativity. Here are some of my favorite ways to torture potatoes:
1. Tell the potato it was adopted. Nobody likes to be told this. If you are not bound to your parents by blood then what is preventing them from selling you to the highest bidder?
2. Pay the potato minimum wage. With today’s rate of inflation, that potato will never become a member of the middle class. Its dream of affording a two bedroom apartment will forever be three paychecks away.
3. Place the potato in a bowl of water. The lazy potato lacks gills and will drown once submerged in water. Potatoes don’t have lungs either, so they’re always suffocating in one way or another.
4. Challenge the potato to a thumb war. The potato will lose. It will always lose. The potato has no thumb. It is marching off to war with zero soldiers. A poor strategy.
5. Purposefully refer to the potato as a yam. Dirty yams are the laughing stock of the starch family, and the potato will never live down your blatant insult.