3 Stars

everythingbagelcloseCalling this an everything bagel is a gross exaggeration. It probably contains what, maybe five ingredients? I’d call it a barely anything bagel.

This is false advertising at its finest. The bagel industry promises you it all, and then delivers a circle of bread with a few measly seeds on top. Shameful. Here are 33 more things that should be found within an everything bagel.

  1. Turmeric
  2. Ginger
  3. ISIS
  4. The marble from the end of Men in Black that contains the entire universe
  5. Lead paint
  6. Cincinnati
  7. Narnia
  8. The sound of silence
  9. Leonardo DiCaprio’s well deserved Oscar
  10. A big mother trucker
  11. The missing link
  12. Tumbleweed
  13. Pope hat
  14. The best avocado there ever was
  15. A deck of cards that’s missing one card
  16. The 8th dimension
  17. Cake the food
  18. Cake the band
  19. Black power
  20. Enough tranquilizers to drop a rhino
  21. The Last of the Mohicans
  22. Razorblades
  23. Man’s best friend
  24. A pinch of cantaloupe
  25. Glitter Glue
  26. A blank check
  27. Watermelon Keg
  28. The moon
  29. Teeth
  30. Drugs
  31. Cinnamon
  32. Cayenne pepper
  33. Another everything bagel

This list should continue on for infinity. Don’t even get me started on what an Everything and More Bagel should contain.

Everything Bagel
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