Back in the day, over 20 million bison happily roamed about North America. I assume they were happy because they were both giant and majestic, which are two characteristics that are hard to pull off at the main time. But the bison managed to do it. Everybody loved the bison.
Then In the 1800s humans slaughtered an estimated 50 million bison, causing them to nearly go extinct. Most people weren’t even hunting bison for food. They were just doing it as a way to dick over the Native Americans. Apparently smallpox blankets weren’t a big enough middle finger to the natives already, so the pesky American government decided to starve them by exterminating their main source of food too. If someone finally invents a time machine (my bet’s on Elon Musk), they should go back in time to explain why this was a godawful idea. They should also bring back a lava lamp because that would blow everyone’s simple 19th century minds.
So we humans screwed up big time and almost wiped the bison off the face of the planet. Rather than learning from our mistakes, we thought it would be better to be complete jackasses and process these noble creatures into bars. Now that companies have figured out they can get away with shit like this, it is only a matter of time until they start selling Bald Eagle chips too. We’ll have that review up in a few years probably.
These bars aren’t epic at all. They’re depressing. The word epic is false advertising here. I fixed it. Please implore Epic to rename their company and rebrand their products in this more appropriate fashion. I think they will be very receptive to the idea and welcome the new and improved label.