5 Stars

garlicknotsVegan mozzarella on garlic knots makes it look like they’re wearing little colonial era wigs. I named the front and center one President George Washingknot. Parents often seem hesitant to let me name their newborns, so I jump at the opportunity to name whatever I can. Election day is only a few weeks away. Would you vote for General George Washingknot over Trump or Hilary? I wouldn’t. This garlic knot has no political qualifications whatsoever. Also, he has been eaten by now.

Do you like it when food looks like people? I don’t. I have a weak will and fear that if my food resembles a face it will reawaken primal cannibalistic urges within me. That’s why my diet typically consists of little more than yams. Yams never look like people. They just look like dried dirt. Dirt is already dried mud, so that must be some really dry dirt we’re talking about.

Sometimes food resembles other living creatures too. Children eat chicken nuggets that are shaped like dinosaurs. This is only one of the countless reasons that I dislike children. It’s as if society is expressing its disappointment that the Tyrannosaurus Rex went extinct before we could get a bite of one.  We should never create Jurassic Park. People won’t love the dinosaurs. Humanity will just cook them until they go extinct all over again. What a depressing movie that would be. Let’s hope Hollywood doesn’t steal that idea for the next sequel.

In conclusion, garlic knots are quite alright. A little too bland to stand on their own, but they make one heck of an appetizer. Not everything needs to be a main course. There’s no shame in being an appetizer. Remember that life lesson. Teach it to your grandchildren someday. Hey, maybe you even have grandchildren at this very moment. The elderly are bound to get the hang of the internet eventually. Carry on old timer.

Colonial Garlic Knots
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