So you decided to go out to your favorite restaurant and order chicken wings. First of all, shame on you. That was a poor decision you made. While you’re at it, here are seven other things you might as well ask your waiter to bring you.
1. A one way ticket to hell. You’re going to end up there eventually, you might as well order a ticket ahead of time. Perhaps Lucifer will appreciate your go-getter attitude.
2. A mirror. Go ahead and take a long hard look at yourself. Can you pinpoint the exact moment when your life hit rock bottom?
3. A hammer. You’re going to feel a strong urge to smash that mirror after you get a glimpse of the monster you’ve become.
4. Paper. Repent by writing apology letters to the families of all those chickens you’re about to devour. Chickens are highly illiterate and will not understand the sentiment, but it may ease some of the guilt in your mind.
5. A pen. What are you going to write all those apology letters with, your hand?
6. An attorney. Let me play the role of Captain Obvious here for a second. You were raised wrong. Maybe your parents aren’t the sharpest tools in the shed. Maybe they just recognized your lack of potential early on and stopped caring years ago. Either way, they failed big time at parenthood. An attorney can help you emancipate from those bozos. If you’re over 18, you are an adult and have unfortunately missed out on your emancipation window. But hey, maybe that attorney will want to go bowling after you finish eating. Try to look past the suit and remember that they are people too.
7. Tissues. All this inward reflection is likely to be an emotional experience. Tears are to be expected.
If your waiter fails to bring you any of these items then feel justified in stiffing them on the tip. Tips are a privilege, not a right.
Alternatively, you could just order an ethically sound vegan option instead of wings. Veggie burgers have become quite common these days.