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calamariDid you know that most calamari is filled with ink that will permanently stain your teeth? I love it when the squid gets the last laugh. Good luck getting a date with those black teeth. A lack of dental hygiene is a definite deal breaker for many young love-seekers. I applaud this vengeful nature of the squid. Maybe less people would eat meat if more animals had a way to get revenge after their death.

We should start feeding animals hand grenades. Non-toxic grenades so they don’t hurt the animal of course, but ones that are set to explode when the animal dies. You know, smart grenades. They could be connected to the animal’s heart rate. Science is coming up with crazy new advances every day and I’m 30% sure that this idea is definitely possible. Let’s see how much you really need your meat when you gotta dismantle a pig bomb to get your grimy little hands on a few strips of bacon.

Honestly though, I’m a reasonable man and I don’t earnestly believe that implementing animals with explosives should be our top priority in getting people to tone down their carnivorism. Animal bombs should be plan B. Plan A should be to find the root of the problem. What would make someone crazy enough to eat a lovable squid in the first place?

I blame Hollywood for our global squid eating epidemic. In Finding Nemo, the sharks famously proclaim that “Fish are friends, not food”. This line inspired children everywhere to abstain from eating fish. But a squid is not a fish. A squid is a cephalopod. And what the hell are we supposed to do with cephalopods? I have no idea. Finding Nemo never told me. When kids see a squid they are mentally incapable of identifying if it is a friend, a food, or something in between.

I believe Disney should re-release Finding Nemo in theaters and revise this infamous line to “Fish, cephalopods, and all other sentient creatures are friends, not food”. This makes the quote more educational while still retaining its original humor. I have already compiled a long list of revisions to improve Disney’s other movies, such as having Simba eat kale instead of grubs in the Lion King and turning Bambi into a John Wick-esque revenge thriller in which Bambi brutally eliminates the hunters who killed his mother. I am confident that these changes will be made as soon as Disney grows up and drops their cease and desist notice against me.

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