Some days I work at Burger King and when customers order the godawful chicken fries I sneak a loaf of bread in there instead. It’s mainly to promote veganism but I also hope my creativity will get me promoted to assistant manager.
If Burger King would take my advice and finally go full vegan then I would no longer need to keep up this chicken fries loaf of bread charade. Here are a myriad of ways this misguided meaty franchise can transition into a respectable vegan establishment:
1. Make all employees wear hearing aids. This way, when a customer foolishly orders meat or cheese, the cashier can feign deafness and pretend that they thought the customer ordered a veggie burger or a large side of pickles instead.
2. Only allow vegan employees to win the coveted employee of the month award. This will cause all the wicked non-vegan employees to change their lifestyle for the better to increase their odds of winning the highest Burger King monthly honor.
3. Legally change the name of figs to whoppers. This way, if a customer orders a whopper then they will be given a healthy and animal friendly fig instead of a dead cow stuffed between two buns. Print out the new definition of whopper and hang it up on the wall right next to the employee of the month. When a customer becomes enraged because they were given a fig, employees can point to this sign and their anger will melt away. They will also notice that Randall was the employee of the month for June so that he can be congratulated accordingly.
4. Change all the signs that say “No shirts, no shoes, no service” to “No shirts, no shoes, no shawarma”. Not only will this relax Burger King’s overly strict dress code, but it will also ensure that no one attempts to bring outside Middle Eastern meats into the establishment.
5. If all else fails, just bulldoze all the Burger Kings. Straight up demolish them. Rubble is very vegan.