Try to describe your ideal mustard by only using two adjectives. Delicious? No, don’t be ridiculous. Flavor is good and all, but that’s a bit too trivial for this task. We are talking about mustard after all, not some run of the mill condiment. Inexpensive? I don’t think so cheapskate. Mustard shopping is not the right time to be pinching pennies. I’ll tell you what the perfect mustard would be. Big and bold. There was only one right answer all along and this one is it.
Let’s start off with big. Have you ever run out of mustard? Come on, we’ve all been there. Nothing makes me as furious. There I am, zig-zagging a strategic line across my tofu dog, and suddenly it ends. My masterpiece is left unfinished. I have punched multiple holes in my kitchen wall due to this type of predicament and cannot afford to fix any of them. Guests see the holes and know I have a problem. It makes all of us very uncomfortable. The problem here is glaringly obvious. The mustard is too small. Too fucking small. Big mustard would never run out on me. Big mustard would put my fists of fury to rest. No more anger. No more holes. Namaste.
Bold. I’m talking about the kind of mustard that’s brave enough to do what needs to be done. Want to learn what an apple tastes like with a bit of mustard on it but you’re too much of a coward to find out? Never fear, bold mustard has your back. It practically squeezes itself onto there. Keep a bottle of bold mustard in your pocket at all times. Just feeling that contact high will eliminate the majority of life’s limitations. Ask your boss for that promotion. Propose to your girlfriend. Rob that bank. Be as bold as the mustard you hold so dear.
Now that you understand big and bold you can never go back. And that’s okay. The next time you see a bottle of small weak mustard just spit on it and move on. You’re a better person now.