5 Stars

Good news friends, I’ve invented vegan calamari! Squid hunting can be globally banned now. Problem solved.

Meat substitutes are the second best way to convert filthy carnivores to the righteous path of veganism. The best way is to genetically alter them so that they become violently ill at the slightest taste of meat, but this is legally frowned upon for some reason. So it’s a good thing that meat substitutes are widely available. Here’s a few popular ones that may sound familiar to you.

1. Tree bark is nature’s bacon. Does that mean that trees are nature’s pigs? I sure hope not. I like a good swine as much as the next man, but hiking through an entire forest of those oinkers sounds a little extreme.

2. A raw onion can be used as a vegan replacement for veal. Both of them can and should make you cry. Do you find that a whole onion makes a poor substitute for your precious veal? Don’t worry, that’s just the Devil himself inside you talking. He made his way into your heart the day you chose to eat a baby cow. You are Satan’s home now.

3. Vegetable Stuffed Muffins are like a vegan turducken. Go full Dr. Frankenstein and see how many vegetables you can stuff into other vegetables. Experience all the fun of acting like a mad scientist without any of the horror of making a dead bird wear another dead bird. There is a fine line between a chef and a full-blown maniac. We call that line veganism.

4. Grow mushrooms in a tiny box to create a miniature vegan version of a factory farm. Pretend that each mushroom is a pig or cow just waiting to be slaughtered. Spray them with just enough water to survive. Give the mushrooms a hard poke every now and then just for the fun of it. As they grow you will find yourself becoming numb to their pain.

So the next time your meat eating bastard of a friend is getting ready for his fancy sea food dinner, give him a banana peel instead. Then go ahead and give yourself a pat on the back. You just converted another lost soul to veganism.

Banana Peel Calamari
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