5 Stars

2016 may have killed all our favorite celebrities, but 2017 has brought me avocado toast so at least we’re off to a pretty good start.

We’re one month into the year, and the world hasn’t fallen apart yet. Every year the Mayans must feel even sillier about their 2012 prediction. There have been some concerning events so far though, such as Trump’s proposed tax on Mexico possibly raising the price of avocados. I don’t know about you, but I’d take cheap avocados over an expensive wall any day of the week.

2017 is full of potential, and I hope it does not let me down. I had a year let me down once and it was awful. Screw you 1994. Here’s what my ideal 2017 looks like:

1. We are told who let the dogs out. We have been waiting our entire lives for this moment. I don’t even know who this song is by anymore. Are they still alive? Do they know who let the dogs out, or were they simply echoing an age old question?

2. The cow goes extinct. Let’s see meat eaters try to enjoy their precious burgers now.

3. I finally overcome my fear of the Pope. This would be a huge step for me. My therapist tells me the Pope is harmless, but if this is true then why must he wear such a big hat? I know he is hiding something.

4. Heated seats. All of them. If 2018 rolls around and I sit down on just one frigid seat I will be livid.

5. Veganism becomes required by law. This applies to everyone. The elderly, babies, cats, etc. If violated, it should be punishable by death. On the electric chair. Which will have a heated seat.

A Toast to Avocado Toast and a Better Year
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